Marty Beckerman is an 18-year-old humor and opinion columnist living in tropical Anchorage, Alaska. His award-winning writing has appeared most frequently in The Anchorage Daily News, though occasionally manages to pop up in finer national publications.

It should be noted that Beckerman was forever banished from The Anchorage Daily News on July 25, 2000, after asking a cheerleader how it feels to be a urine stain on the toilet seat of America.

As it turns out, neither the cheerleader nor Beckerman's editor found that interview question particularly amusing.

Beckerman's first book, Death to All Cheerleaders: One Adolescent Journalist's Cheerful Diatribe Against Teenage Plasticity was published September 2000 on Infected Press.

When you hear the word "cheerleaders," you don't immediately think "pious servants of Our Lord in Heaven Jesus Christ who Died on The Cross for Our Heinous Sins and Blah Blah Blah." To be honest, if you're anything like me, you think something more along the lines of "Oh, that seeming race of loose bimbos with the brain capacity of squirrel feces. I hate them!!"

But at least one organization is attempting to alter our opinion on this disputatious issue. They are the Christian Cheerleaders of America, a non-profit group based in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. However, the Christian Cheerleaders aren't limited to the Southern "Bible Belt." No, the CCA is active in over 33 states, which - as you may have noticed - is absolutely horrifying.

Many other such facts can be ascertained from the Christian Cheerleaders of America press release, which spends quite a bit of space explaining just what the CCA stands for. A few brief excerpts:

"To teach 'state of the art' cheerleading techniques, material and methods while maintaining Christian standards. Being 'contemporary without compromise.'"

"To recognize cheerleaders as the athletes they are, and the coaches who train them as such"

"Christian cheerleaders are skilled athletes and should never take a back seat to anyone else in their excellence, 'for ye serve the Lord Christ.'"

If you're not quite dumbfounded yet, don't worry, because the Christian Cheerleaders of America press release only gets more rambling and incoherent. Additional passages:

"We believe in the verbal inspiration and authority of the Scriptures, the 100% inerrancy; that the Bible reveals God, the fall of man, the way of salvation and God's plan and purpose for the ages"

"We believe that men are justified by faith alone and are made righteous before God only through the merits of our Lord Jesus Christ, through His shed blood as the propitiation for our sin. . . . Justification is an eternal relationship and can never be broken"

"As with everything in the Christian life, GOD'S WORD AND THE LEADERSHIP OF HIS HOLY SPIRIT are the guiding principles we live by. CHEERLEADING IS NO EXCEPTION."

To further elaborate on these unintelligible rants, this reporter conducted a phone interview with Rose Clevenger, actual President of the Christian Cheerleaders of America. Rose spoke from her office in North Carolina, and I from my bedroom, wearing nothing but a colorful pair of boxer shorts. I have no idea whether or not Rose was also wearing a colorful pair of boxer shorts, but my guess would have to be an emphatic "Yes!"

MY INTERVIEW WITH THE PRESIDENT OF THE CHRISTIAN CHEERLEADERS

MB: So what exactly is the Christian Cheerleaders of America?

Rose: We are a national organization. We travel all over the country, last year we traveled 85,000 miles, and we have camps for our target audience, which are basically Christian schools. We are a ministry in that we have morning devotions at camp, which are calm and help spread the gospel, and then we do cheerleading.

MB: And what sets girls in the CCA apart from cheerleaders who attend public school?

Rose: We dress more modestly, and are more careful with our choice of music. We're conservative with music, and are careful not to play any heavy metal rock music.

MB: You dress more modestly?

Rose: Yes.

MB: So the skirts aren't quite as short.

Rose: Right.

MB: They're like, knee-level instead of mid-thigh, or what?

Rose: No.

MB: By the way, how does Jesus tie into cheerleading again?

Rose: We believe Jesus is a part of everything in our lives. We use cheerleading as a vehicle to help the cheerleaders grow in their relationship with the Lord.

MB: Right. So basically what you're saying is that Jesus has nothing to do with cheerleading.

(Long, awkward silence.)

Rose: He has something to do with everything . . . I don't think Jesus was a cheerleader.

MB: I'll quote you on that.

Rose: We give kids something to cheer about: You can be a Christian!

MB: Are cheerleaders of other faiths allowed to be in the Christian Cheerleaders of America? For example, Jewish cheerleaders?

Rose: They can come.

MB: Atheist cheerleaders?

Rose: They can choose to come. I wouldn't imagine an Atheist would choose to come to a Christian Cheerleaders of America Cheer Camp, but they would be welcome.

MB: Satan-worshiping cheerleaders?

Rose: They wouldn't even ask. That's not an issue.

MB: I wouldn't be so sure about that.

Rose: (deadly serious) They would not be welcome.

MB: So in high schools across the country, there's kind of this stereotype of the cheerleader as . . . as . . . uh, I don't know how to put this correctly . . .

Rose: A promiscuous, popularity-crazed sex symbol.

MB: Right, a promiscuous, licentious sexual sex symbol. Do you feel the Christian Cheerleaders of America is combating this stereotype?

Rose: Yes, and of course that is a totally incorrect stereotype anyway.

MB: I don't know. I mean, I've met some pretty sex symbol-like cheerleaders in my day.

Rose: That's unfortunate.

MB: Would you ever, like, consider taking one of the girls' pompoms and painting it green, and then setting it on fire so it would be like the Burning Bush or something?

Rose: No. We're not extremists.

MB: But that would be hilarious, wouldn't it?

Apparently, Rose thinks she is too good for my question.

MB: Okay, whatever. And you're the biggest league of Christian cheerleaders, right?

Rose: There's some other Christian organizations. I don't know if it's ever been measured.

THE FELLOWSHIP OF CHRISTIAN CHEERLEADERS

Turns out, Rose's information is complete bullshit. After countless weeks of meticulous research, I discover the largest Christian cheerleading association is based out of Georgia, and named - rest assured this is the honest truth - The Fellowship of Christian Cheerleaders. Immediately after learning this fascinating piece of information, I call up Cary Coleman, President of the Fellowship, introducing myself as a journalist doing an article on the positive influence of Christianity in cheerleading.

"So you're the largest Christian cheerleading organization in the world?" I ask.

"Right. We have 6,000 kids up at our summer program," Coleman says.

"Jesus!" I reply.

"We're fairly small compared to other non-religious cheerleading organizations."

"And just how the hell can you associate Jesus with cheerleading?"

"It's no different than any other sport," Coleman explains. "You get talent as a gift ... and you learn to use your powers to represent Christ."

"Could more cheerleaders use the morals only religion can bring?" I ask.

"Oh yeah. I think cheerleaders, whether they want to be or not, are role models at their school. When they take that position as a cheerleader, they're popular and they're leaders."

"So obviously both cheerleading and religion have come under scrutiny and criticism over the years," I say. "How would you respond to people who might themselves say 'Death To All Cheerleaders And There Is No God?'"

"They would say what?" Coleman inquires.

"You heard me," I inform. "They would say cheerleading is worthless, and then go preach glorious Atheism."

"Anytime you get students involved in anything extracurricular, that's meaningful. You get them off the streets. Cheerleading is a character-builder, and there's a lot of positive things you can learn from athletics. As for faith, I think you have to walk the walk."