Stacie Adams
I'm a drinker with a writing problem.
My Eight Hours of Hell in a Content Farm
Stacie Adams writes on the Nervous Breakdown:
I was a copy writer for about eight hours this week. I was employed by a content farm. I would produce weekly blogs for clients at about $15 a pop. After I established myself as a viable content farmer I would be given larger assignments, at $50 to $75 per piece. You can see where this is going. My first assignment was sort of a test run, to see if I was up to it. I had to produce roughly 300 hundred words on hair extensions. Hair. Extensions. … Here’s how that turned out:
Most famous celebrity haircuts for men
The Bieber – I propose we start calling this one ‘The Skywalker’ because that’s really how it all started. Want yourself a Bieber? Just swear off hair cuts for about six months or so. Every man has had a Bieber, whether intentional or not.
The Clooney –…
Why Is There Not More Male Nudity in Mainstream Films?
Stacie Adams writes on the Nervous Breakdown:
Today I bring you a subject that’s very close to my heart. And by heart I mean sex organs.
I’m a 31 year old heterosexual woman who is appalled by the lack of male nudity in movies. Tits and girl ass are legion in film, and that’s OK, I don’t mind it. But, in the interest of this equality I hear so much about, perhaps we can add some rock hard pectorals and v-shaped abdomens into the mix? Some chiseled male bums? A quick shot of the little guy?
Remember when action movies always had that scene of the anti-hero crying into his refrigerator, or gun, or eight ounce glass of whiskey over his dead dog, or kid, or wife? And remember how in these scenes said anti-hero would always be without pants and have an ass like Michelangelo’s David?
Well, those scenes were put there for…
I’m Voting for the Dead Guy
Image courtesty of TeeFury
Stacie Adams writes on the Nervous Breakdown:
Let me tell you a little story. Perhaps it won’t be very compelling or important, and perhaps the opinion of one slightly unhinged free lance writer means nothing, but the truth is I never voted in my life until 2008.
Everyone at the polling place knew who I was voting for, due to my age and demeanor. There were a shit ton of us, all there to put a vote in for Barack Obama, which really rubbed the old folks raw.
These were the people who voted every election cycle without fail, and now had to contend with a wave of urban hipsters and other artsy types.
A man walked in behind us and barked ‘Bliss, Republican!’ at the little old ladies working the polls, all of whom puffed up their chests and yelled back that he needn’t be such an ass about it.
Come…
The Personal Is Not Political
Via The First Church of Mutterhals:
The phrase ‘the personal is political’ always bugged me, but I could never articulate why. There’s just something off about it, like conflating religious belief and science, or the mixture of church and state. I was recently reading the Christopher Hitchens autobiography and I came by this quote regarding the inception of the phrase:
“At the instant I first heard this deadly expression, I knew as one does from the utterance of any sinister bullshit that it was — cliché is arguably forgivable here — very bad news.”
He goes on to say that now you only needed to flout your attachment to whatever arbitrary delineation (as he brilliantly puts it, “a member of a sex, or gender, or epidermal subdivision, or even erotic “preference,”) to be considered a revolutionary. This is coming from a person who wears his arrest record proudly, having been done in for…
Going Rogue: What Happens Next to Julian Assange and WikiLeaks?
Via the First Church of Mutterhals:
Just a short time ago many Americans had never heard of Julian Assange or Wikileaks. It’s understandable, this past summer was action packed with quality TV programming and most of us can’t be bothered to pay attention foreign goings on. But now you literally cannot flee news of Assange, a man who is quickly becoming a modern day folk hero for the disenfranchised and fed up.
While liberals argue whether or not Assange is a rapist and conservatives call for his head, the rest of us marvel that someone finally stood up and did something about the shitty state of the world that didn’t involve complaining about injustice on a blog or staging a meaningless protest only serving to garner the organizer some much needed attention. People like Assange and Bradley Manning and those involved in hacking Wikileaks opponents are heroes in the truest sense of…
Who’s Afraid of a Beautiful Woman?
Via the First Church of Mutterhals:
There’s some exhibit at a museum in Pittsburgh featuring never before seen photos of Marilyn Monroe. Now, I’m not some retrograde star fucker who pines for the golden age of Hollywood when all the men were either latent homosexuals or confirmed rapists and all the women were hopped up on pills. But seeing Monroe’s ethereally beautiful mug plastered all over this city quickly became one of a few bright spots on my otherwise dreary morning commute.
To my horror, this morning I saw that someone defaced one of the billboards touting the exhibit. Under the copy, in awkward, sloppy lettering, stood the hastily spray painted profundity ‘women are not objects’ followed by some bastard amalgam of an anarchy sign and the symbol for female. I guess the self defense class let out early last night and someone was feeling frisky.
I’d like to address the trog that…
Why I Didn’t Vote
I know, break out the tar and feathers before I get away. I’m a horrible human being, I should be ashamed myself, I should have no say in politics, blah blah blah.
Let me tell you a little story. Perhaps it won’t be very compelling or important, and perhaps the opinion of one slightly unhinged free lance writer means nothing, but the truth is I never voted in my life until 2008.
I got caught up in the idea of ushering in some kind of enlightenment via a black president, not because I thought racial harmony would dawn or that Barack Obama was anything more than a politician, but because I thought that his election was a sign of things to come, i.e. people finally coming to their senses and abandoning all the nonsense ideas about the completely bullshit concept of race. Also, Sarah Palin scared the fuck out of me.
Boy, was…
Flirting in the 21st Century, Brett Favre Style
Brett Favre in 2006.
Via the First Church of Mutterhals:
Everyone knows I’m not exactly keen on manners. But in some ways I am downright old fashioned. For instance, if a man I was vaguely acquainted with took a liking to me and decided the best way to win my favor would be to forward a hastily snapped pic of his, oh, how should I put this, his wang; well let’s just say there is a very short list of people who could get away with such a thing without my taking out a restraining order.
You know where I’m going with this. Proving once and for all that he is a congenital retard, Brett Favre did the above to a comely female member of the sporting press, thusly taking a bad idea and making it monumentally worse. I know, I know, allegedly. Brett Favre allegedly stuck his cell phone down his shorts…
Does Sexual Dysfunction in America Require Divine Intervention?
Via the First Church of Mutterhals:
I’m not very altruistic, as most of you already know. I’m of the opinion that it’s every man for himself, whether you like it or not. You can’t really expect other people to take care of you and security is just coping mechanism. No one is really secure.
However, I do find the sexual dysfunction of many Americans troubling enough to warrant intervention. You have a vast number of women who are downright latently asexual, you have shit-load of straight men who are terrified of the implication that they might be gay, you have teens and young adults being told in one ear that abstinence and chastity are the only way, while in the other ear streams the most vulgar and perverse sexuality in the form of festering silicone tits and hooker culture, which celebrates coldly detached sex acts but shies away from real sensuality and…
Charles Bronson for President
Via the First Church of Mutterhals:
I’ve been watching the Death Wish movies all week on AMC. Quake loves them dearly for the wet explosions and hand cannons. I am amazed that these films ever saw the light of day.
The story goes as follows: Paul Kersey (Charles Bronson) is forced into violence by so many thugs and cretins, who run roughshod over New York city like a band of vikings. Kersey never really wants to spill blood, it’s just that the aforementioned thugs will not stop killing and raping his loved ones. The cops are no help either. They are either woefully incompetent or believe Kersey to be just as bad as those he hunts. Paul Kersey has to be the unluckiest man in the history of film.
These are laughably bad films and in no way do they represent reality. But something about them struck me as being fairly accurate, and that…
Jesus, Sodomy, and Glocks
Via the First Church of Mutterhals:
That sounds like a Warren Zevon song from hell, but it’s not. It’s what I saw on someone’s car on the way to work today. Three bumper stickers, right in a row; the first one said Jesus Saves, Obama Spends. The second said Obama is Socializing and Sodomizing America. The third said Body Piercings by Glock.
Let me pull up my favorite arm chair and give this guy a go. I think his choice in bumper stickers has less to do with his distaste for Obama and his policies and more to do with his fervent desire to get reamed long and hard by a Jewish hippie. Of course, that’s really none of my business. But is it appropriate to put your deep seated sexual fantasies on the back of your car?
Also, I thought christians were supposed to be anti-sodomy? I distinctly remember a ‘no spilling…
A Conversation With Mel Gibson
From the First Church of Mutterhals:
Perhaps you’ve heard that Mel Gibson is not the most pleasant man to live with. There’s been a slew of leaked audio tapes featuring Gibson saying all sorts of horrible things to his former live in lover and mother of his child.
Thanks to my contact in La La land (i.e. a herpetic bum who roots around in celebrity trash for a living), I got my hands on a transcript of the most recent diatribe. Behold:
Mel’s Baby Maker: How are you doing, Mel! It is a glorious day in this most wonderful country and I am glad to be the common law wife of such a dynamic individual!
Mel Gibson: Listen you silly cunt, how many times have I told you, do not look me in the eye when you talk to me.
MBM: I am ever so sorry Mel!
MG: You goddamn should be. Why is there a boom mike hanging from…
This Summer’s Most Exciting Reality TV Show: The War
Via the First Church of Mutterhals:
I had a brilliant idea this morning. I was watching The Today Show, as I just love a good train wreck, and for once I actually saw a story of legitimate merit. Richard Engel, he of the god-sized balls and really one of the few journalists worth a shit, was on the ground in Afghanistan while US troops fought off Taliban fighters a mere hundred yards away. It was a bloody and hard fought battle, littered with bodies and spent bullet casings. Just the way I like to start my day.
So here’s my grand idea. Let’s get some more big balled mothers on the ground in Iraq and Afghanistan, not armed with weapons, but with cameras. Let’s have a live feed of each and every battle that goes on, and let’s play the best hour of carnage in primetime, and let’s make it mandatory viewing…
The Diseased Mind of Sarah Palin
Stacie Adams writing for The Smirking Chimp:
Perhaps you’ve heard about the writer who moved in next door to Sarah Palin? Apparently he is in the midst of some kind of scandalous tell all book about her and has taken up residence in her hometown in pursuit of stories.
Resorting to her characteristic histrionics, Palin immediately took to her Facebook page, that stalwart of serious journalism, to opine just what the writer intended on doing next door. She went on to make some sinister lamentations about him possibly peaking into her youngest child’s bedroom or surveying their ’swimming hole.’ The writer shot back that her comments were, in his words, revolting. Actually, what they are is libel, and the worst kind of libel, insinuating that this guy, who is of course attempting to dig up dirt on the former governor, is some kind of dangerous pervert.
Palin frequently resorts to the pervert card…
The Weird Turn Pro
Via the First Church of Mutterhals:
Are you tired of being out-weirded by your friends and loved ones? Run out of room in your closet for three wolf t-shirts and multi-colored skinny jeans? Can’t listen to one more track of MGMT without blowing your brains out? Then let me help you be the fucking freak you always knew you could be.
Hi, I’m mutterhals, ordained minister, amateur doctor and all around professional, so obviously I know what I’m talking about. It’s cool to be eccentric these days, although not everyone can pull it off. Hey, it’s not your fault you had a relatively normal upbringing, with no history of mental illness in your family. That’s why I’m here. With my award-winning program, you too can affect a demeanor of effortless cool and devise a cutting edge persona that will get you lauded at the next vegan/anarchist picnic and beyond.
Everyone knows that the…
Humanity and Beyond
Stacie Adams writes on Smirking Chimp:
A week or two ago the internets were ablaze with the news that not only did famed physicist Stephen Hawking appear to believe in the existence of life on other planets, but he was also of the mind that we should avoid them at all costs, because in his opinion they would be of the face sucking, giant lizard variety.
Many expressed dismay at his sentiment, but it’s really not that fantastic. Hawking’s theory is that if the universe is infinite, it would make sense mathematically for there to be other life forms in existence at various stages of development. His second point really isn’t that bold either. Why do we, in our limited knowledge, assume that advancement entails humanity?
Look at our species. As we advance, are we becoming more or less humane? And look at our history. We happen upon a new land, and what…
The Frogman Cometh
From the Smirking Chimp:
Karl Rove is typically described as a villain of American politics. I prefer the description of deranged psycho killer when referring to him and the underhanded campaign tactics he popularized.
While villains tend to be handsome, dashing men who wield great power and charisma, psycho killers are generally pathetic and broken down little misfits, usually sexually dysfunctional and shunned by society, only to fester in the shadows while flagellating themselves and masturbating to pictures of their mother.
Is that an apt description of Karl Rove? Who the fuck cares, it’s Karl Rove. When did he ever consider the veracity of his claims? This is the man who helped forward a rumor in 2000 that John McCain’s adopted Indian daughter was really an illegitimate child sired with a woman of African descent, a claim so obviously deranged that it says more about the speaker of the smear than the subject.
Well,…
The Perils of Anthropomorphism
Mutterhals writes on the Black Sun Gazette:
That’s a big word up there, but it describes a fairly simple concept. Anthropomorphism is when you attribute human characteristics to non human things and people do it most frequently with animals.
There was a video floating around the internet recently claiming to show a dog smiling when its owner approached. In reality, as many savvy animal lovers pointed out, the dog’s posture indicated fear, as evidenced by its tense expression and down cast tail. Because dogs can’t smile; smiling is a function of certain muscles in the face that dogs simply don’t have.
I know, I’m an evil bitch for throwing a bucket of ice cold logic all over a coo-inspiring video. However, in light of the recent events at Sea World, where an experienced trainer was killed by a killer whale in between shows, it does seem that people fall into to this trap…
Utah Aborts Logic and Reason, But They Weren’t Using Them Anyway
Mutterhals writes on the Black Sun Gazette:
For most Americans, science is akin to magic. We don’t know how much of this shit occurs, but as long as everything keeps humming along smoothly we feel some sense of peace. The problem with this state of being is that it allows for all sorts of rival interpretations on things that are basically cut and dry.
I’ve had many arguments with religious types regarding abortion, and most cannot wrap their heads around the fact that the gestating fetus is indeed a part of the woman whose belly it’s in, which seems fairly straightforward. I don’t mean to go all Amazon woman on you, but I have to believe the fervently religious who protest in front of abortion clinics and wish death on doctors who perform the procedure have to be somewhat perturbed that a woman, a lesser being according to their holy bible, is…
