Merry Mithras! Jesus Is A Mushroom Cultist
A fascinating documentary from our friends at Gnosticmedia.com, The Pharmacratic Inquisition:
The Jesus Toaster Makes Food Miracles
Every believer has seen the videos of the Virgin Mary appearing in the form of a Cheeto or a linen stain and secretly hopes for an uncanny sign that will validate their faith — that’s why the Jesus Toaster is the perfect Christmas gift. Now anyone can have the rapturous joy of witnessing the Lord appear in their morning toast:
Orgies for Jesus
[Site editor's note: The following is an excerpt from the new Disinformation title 50 Things You're Not Supposed To Know: Religion, authored by Daniele Bolelli.]
What if Christian theology dismissed the virgin birth and other miracles as fairy tales? What if your pastor/priest told you to flush the Ten Commandments down the toilet and instead live life to the fullest? What if Sunday service at your local church consisted in a juicy orgy? All of this could have happened had Carpocrates had his way.
Carpo … who? The lead character in our story was the leader of a second century Christian community based in the Greek islands. Back in those days, early Christians couldn’t agree on just about anything. Official Christian doctrine hadn’t been fully established yet, so an extremely wide range of opinions and teachings fell under the label of “Christianity.” The only thing they had in common was that they all thought…
Gnosis: The Not-So-Secret History of Jesus
This article, which discusses the Mystery School origins of Christianity, comes from my new memoir, The Electric Jesus: The Healing Journey of a Contemporary Gnostic through Evolver Editions/North Atlantic Books.
In December 1945, during the tail end of the most devastating war in human history, a peasant named Mohammed Ali of the al-Samman clan stumbled upon an earthenware jar near limestone caves in the deserts of Upper Egypt. He feared an evil djin (genie) resided inside, but hoping for lost riches, he still opened the jar. To his disappointment, twelve ragged leather-bound codices fell onto the ground. He didn’t realize these 1,200 weathered pages contained a priceless treasure with dozens of lost Christian gospels that had been hidden away for 1,600 years. Mohammed carried them home to his mother, who kept warm throughout the night by feeding pages of what we now call The Nag Hammadi Library to her fireplace.
These fifty-two texts, with…
Happy Jesus Ween: Canada Pastor Invents ‘Christian Alternative’ to Halloween
Tamara Gignac reports in the Calgary Herald
Tiny ghosts and goblins hoping for sugary snacks may find something odd in their loot bags this Halloween: a bible.
A Calgary pastor is promoting Jesus Ween, a faith-based alternative to the traditional holiday fare of candy and spooky garb.
Instead of chocolate bars and gummy bears, he’s asking people to shun demonic costumes and instead dole out pocket-sized bibles or other “Christian gifts.”
The idea has caught on in communities across North America, according to Jesus Ween creator Paul Ade. He’s hoping it will bring a new perspective to an otherwise pagan festival, he said.
“I do not associate myself with ghosts, demons, Satan and witches. These are things I want to get rid of,” he said.
“If it’s OK for a child to know about demons, it should also be OK for a child to know about Jesus.”
Jesus Appears In Tie Dye T-Shirt
CNN filmed a miraculous discovery by an amateur tie-dyer in Cleveland, one which will restore your faith and awe in our mysterious universe. Proof that Jesus exists and is the son of God, and that he is a hippie:
Did Jesus Die for Klingons Too?
Well, Klingons for Jesus has sided in on this, but for a more rigorous debate, Professor Christian Weidemann recently weighed in at a DARPA-sponsored event. (DARPA cares about these things?) Jeff Schapiro reported in the Christian Science Monitor:
One idea he presented was that humans were the only “sinners” out of God’s creation, and are therefore the only ones that require a savior, but he considered other possibilities as well.
“If there are extra-terrestrial intelligent beings at all, it is safe to assume that most of them are sinners too,” Weidemann said. “If so, did Jesus save them too? My position is no. If so, our position among intelligent beings in the universe would be very exceptional.”
If other life forms exist in our universe, he said, we should try to understand why Jesus chose to save those from Earth over other civilized life forms from other planets.
Did God reserve His grace solely for…
Jesus Antichrist: Does Joel’s Army Actually Worship Satan?
A central theme in Christian eschatology is the rise of the Antichrist. This Antichrist is supposed to trick millions (even billions) into worshiping him and, according to many on the Christian right, establish a one world government.
What better disguise for the ultimate false messiah to deceive the world than Jesus?
As I posted earlier, the Dominionist Joel’s Army movement believes less in feeding the poor and visiting those in prison like the Biblical Jesus taught than in slaughtering unbelievers and taking over all the countries of the world militarily and politically. The following video examines, from a more traditional Christian perspective, the possibility that Joel’s Army and the Dominionist movement are in fact the forces of the Antichrist, that the spirits that fill them are demons, and that the god they worship is actually Satan in disguise.
The Passover Plot
Several years ago disinformation published a new edition of the late Hugh Schonfield’s classic and controversial alternative history of Jesus of Nazareth, The Passover Plot.
There is probably no other figure in modern Jewish historical research who is more controversial or famous than Dr. Schonfield, who once said: “The scholars deplore that I have spilled the beans to the public. Several of them have said to me, ‘You ought to have kept this just among ourselves, you know.’”
What he did to “spill the beans” was present historical evidence suggesting that Jesus was a mortal man, a young genius who believed himself to be the Messiah and deliberately and brilliantly planned his entire ministry according to the Old Testament prophecies—even to the extent of plotting his own arrest, crucifixion and resurrection.
The book has sold millions of copies in the decades since its original publication in 1965 and is still a popular read for…
Why Evangelical Christians Hate Jesus
The Four Evangelists, by Jakob Jordaens
Phil Zuckerman, Professor of Sociology at Pitzer College in Claremont, CA, reveals some wonderfully ironic facts about the loudest bible bashers, at Huffington Post:
The results from a recent poll published by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life reveal what social scientists have known for a long time: White Evangelical Christians are the group least likely to support politicians or policies that reflect the actual teachings of Jesus.
It is perhaps one of the strangest, most dumb-founding ironies in contemporary American culture. Evangelical Christians, who most fiercely proclaim to have a personal relationship with Christ, who most confidently declare their belief that the Bible is the inerrant word of God, who go to church on a regular basis, pray daily, listen to Christian music, and place God and His Only Begotten Son at the center of their lives, are simultaneously the very people most likely to…
Stephen Colbert and Harvard Philosophy Professor Sean D. Kelly Agree: Jesus is God
What’s to be done about our culture’s loss of a notion of what’s sacred? From the Colbert Report:
The Banned ‘Jesus Hates Obama’ Super Bowl Ad (Video)
Whether or not Richard Belfry, the owner of JesusHatesObama.com, really wanted to spend the millions of dollars it costs to run a single commercial during the Superbowl is dubious, but in any event the network with the broadcast rights, Fox, has refused to air it, handing Belfry a whole lot of free publicity.
Here’s the commercial in case you’re curious, oh and by the way, he claims “Do we really believe that Jesues hates Obama?
Of course not! … Our products may be a joke but so are the policies of this administration”:
Jesus of Nazareth Discusses His Failure
The following article “Jesus of Nazareth Discusses His Failure” is written by H. G. Wells, one of over 40 articles in the Disinformation anthology I edited, Everything You Know About God Is Wrong: The Disinformation Guide to Religion.
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Russ Kick writes: H. G. Wells is best-remembered as a late-Victorian pioneer of science fiction, mainly due to his 1890s novels The Time Machine, The Invisible Man, and The War of the Worlds. He cranked out dozens of books in numerous genres of fiction and nonfiction, and 1945—the year before his death—saw the publication of his last two books to come out during his lifetime: The Happy Turning: A Dream of Life and Mind at the End of Its Tether.
The Happy Turning is a slim, strange work that gets even stranger as it continues. Wells sets it up by claiming that sometimes he dreams about taking his daily walk and coming across a pathway he’s never noticed in real life. Taking this turn (the “Happy Turning”) leads him to the utopian Dreamland (a/k/a the Beyond), where his body is perfectly fit, where society knows no war, poverty, or inequality, and where his “subliminal self” lets loose with a flood of “cryptic and oracular” symbols.
Wells then steps back in time to relate some dreams he had when he was young, including the one that “made me an atheist.” Having read about “a man being broken on the wheel over a slow fire,” the preteen Wells had a nightmare. “By a mental leap which cut out all intermediaries, the dream artist made it clear that if indeed there was an all powerful God, then it was he and he alone who stood there conducting this torture.” Upon awakening, he felt that he had two alternatives: go insane or stop believing in God. “God had gone out of my life. He was impossible.”
Save The Date: Jesus Returns May 21, 2011!
Bob Smietana writes in the Tennessean:
That’s the message on 40 billboards around Nashville, proclaiming May 21, 2011, as the date of the Rapture. Billboards are up in eight other U.S. cities, too.
Fans of Family Radio Inc., a nationwide Christian network, paid for the billboards. Family Radio’s founder, Harold Camping, predicted the May date for the Rapture.
Their message is simple — “He Is Coming Again” — and their aim is to get unbelievers to turn around quickly. But critics say the billboards are a waste of time, one more failed attempt to predict the end of the world.
The Virgin Mary Appears In A … Condom? (Photo)
Via Riemann’s Cut:
I don’t know if the Condom-Mary is an old idea or not…
Jesus Lookalike Banned From Church
In Christianity, you’re supposed to be like Jesus, but not too much like Jesus, because that would make everyone uncomfortable. At least that’s the metaphorical meaning I draw from this story: a man was escorted out of a St. Louis church by police after he showed up looking too Christ-like:
Man Sees Dalek In Tree Trunk, Mistakes It For Jesus
Hell of a mistake, friend. Instead of “Love thy neighbor as thyself” you might be facing: “Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!” Rich Johnston writes on Bleeding Cool:
From the Winston-Salem Journal comes this charming story about an elderly fellow, Bill Johnson, who has discovered the image of Jesus in a tree limb that fell in his front yard. He believes it to be a “robed image of Jesus with an outstretched hand. The head is near the center of the limb where the rings of the tree are lighter, giving an almost halo appearance.”
And he’s milked this observation in newspapers and TV … but seriously. Halo, or no halo, that’s not Jesus.
That’s a Dalek.
The two differ in a number of ways. One is the saviour of the world, the Son of God, who died and is risen and will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead.
And the other is a mutated…
Jesus Thwarts An Armed Robbery (Video)
In all fairness to the Good Lord’s superpowers, this convert to Christ did go on to rob another store the same day. I wonder how he’d hold up against Darth Vader, who recently robbed a bank in Long Island. Via the AP:
Authorities in South Florida have charged the man they say backed out of robbing a MetroPCS store after an employee spoke with him about Jesus. The Broward County Sheriff’s Office said Friday that 37-year-old Israel Camacho of Coral Springs later committed an armed robbery caught on surveillance video at a Payless ShoeSource.
Investigators say Camacho entered a Metro PCS store in Pompano Beach last Friday, chatting with an employee and then displaying a gun and demanding cash from the register. The employee, Nayara Goncalves, spoke with Camacho about church and God and eventually convinced him not to hurt her.
Authorities say he robbed the Payless ShoeSource a few hours later. He has been charged with armed robbery and attempted armed robbery.
Jesus, Sodomy, and Glocks
Via the First Church of Mutterhals:
That sounds like a Warren Zevon song from hell, but it’s not. It’s what I saw on someone’s car on the way to work today. Three bumper stickers, right in a row; the first one said Jesus Saves, Obama Spends. The second said Obama is Socializing and Sodomizing America. The third said Body Piercings by Glock.
Let me pull up my favorite arm chair and give this guy a go. I think his choice in bumper stickers has less to do with his distaste for Obama and his policies and more to do with his fervent desire to get reamed long and hard by a Jewish hippie. Of course, that’s really none of my business. But is it appropriate to put your deep seated sexual fantasies on the back of your car?
Also, I thought christians were supposed to be anti-sodomy? I distinctly remember a ‘no spilling…
