After Jay-Z recorded “Glory” to welcome his new daughter into the world, I wondered what it would sound like if Republican voters made a song to welcome Mitt Romney as their now-inevitable nominee.

“Phony” featuring W.M.R.
LYRICS:

Can’t explain how uninspired i feel
Looking at this primary field
Mitt romney, I freaking hate you
I can’t believe the nomination is you
You’re phony.

False promises, false starts
Six different frontrunners falling apart
Now look who we’re stuck with
The million dollar Tin Man with no heart.
One percenters, you dance for them
Then you switch up your stance for them
You’re phony…

You are amazing, you’re unbelievable
I mean literally, Icannot believe in you
Just an empty suit, who’s really in control?
There’s nothing in your soul except opinion polls
The fakest in a room full of fake actors
You’ve never paid dues, you barely pay taxes
And every time you speak it makes me hate you more and
It’s not cuz your faith is Mormon it’s cuz your so fake and boring.
You’re boring. And Phony. So phony.
boring boring bo

You’re phony it’s never been disputable
You look phony in every interview you do
You look phony at weddings and at funerals
You even look phony singing America the Beautiful

You’re the child of a party’s legacy
Now you’re the child that made that party dead to me.
You’re a smarmy dog-torturing fake moderate turned fake conservative
What a terrible recipe.

News International websites for the Times and the Sun were taken down last night after hackers targeted the Sun’s web pages and redirected traffic to another page falsely reporting that Rupert Murdoch had been found dead. The breach was apparently the first hack of a major UK newspaper’s website.

The LulzSec hacking collective hacked the tabloid’s site, and also claimed to be “sitting on their [the Sun's] emails” and that they would release the emails on Tuesday.

Congressman Anthony Weiner

Weinergate inspires a parody by John Kenney in the New Yorker:

Why wouldn’t I?

It’s my penis. And as a great man once said, it’s meant to be photographed. Though I have no idea who that great man was.

Where some people have photos of their families on their desks at work, I have photos of my penis. My penis on vacation in the Bahamas. My penis in Madrid, on a business trip, the Prado in the background (slightly out of focus). My penis receiving an award for Outstanding Employee of the Month.

At birthdays and holidays I like to send photographs of my penis to friends and family. My in-laws, Marge and Walter, say they always look forward to getting my penis Christmas card.

Someone asked me recently when I started taking pictures of my penis and sending them to people, and I honestly couldn’t remember. College, maybe? All I know is that one day I picked up a Nikon SLR and thought, “Maybe I should look down my pants and take a photo and then send it to some people.”

And I’m not alone in history.

Teddy Roosevelt, for instance, was a big fan of photographing his penis, and would pose for hours at a time…

continues in the New Yorker

If this is what it takes for our men in uniform to deal with whatever daily horrors they face, then bring on the hip-shaking, heart-pumping fabulosity.

Sadly, unlike the original version of Lady Gaga’s ‘Telephone’ video, Beyonce doesn’t make an appearance, but this little number’s coming straight out of Afghanistan and it is FIERCE.

Also, ferosh.

Don’t say I never gave you nothing. Guess who got her hot little hands on the Sean Hannity/Sarah Palin interview that hasn’t even happened yet? Don’t tell anyone, but back in the 80s I gave a lap dance to Stephen Hawking and as a reward for my sultry moves he offered me use of his time machine. Behold!

***
Sean Hannity: First of all I’d like to say that you are the second coming of Christ.

Sarah Palin: Oh gee thanks, it’s citizens like you that make me proud of this our land of freedom and bravery in the country we call the American States.

SH: If the Virgin Mary walked into this room and shat in the corner, it would not rival the profundity and pureness of your being. I would allow myself to be buried alive with your corpse, if my producer deemed it necessary…